What is this I we talk of?

I have come to a conclusion about something. In our lives we desire things and center our lives around ourselves. Everything is about me utlimately. The only problem is when I think this way is when I am the most unhappy. When I have periods in my life that I think of others well being before my own I am happy, joy fills my life, things make sense. So in friendship and love what if I look at that person and see what they need from me opposed to how they can fullfill my needs? What would happen? Would I be living within the flow of how things should be? Since I believe in God which means I believe in the Bible and the Bible tells us not to worry for God will take care of us. Then why should I be concerned that my own desires be fulfill since God is going to take care what I need to function to the best of my ablity? Life is not about me and the journey that I am taking is trying to understand that life is not about me. In some way maybe that is what life is about a journey to understand that you are not what makes the world exist.

Just one of those mornings

You ever have one of those mornings where you feel your life is about to have a huge change. Now, this can be one of two emotions attached to it a good change like Christmas morning or bad one like a friend moving away. This perticular morning I don't know how to feel. I graduate in 2 weeks for a 5 year archiecture degree, My best friend Micah is moving to Alabama in the fall, and my other best friend Taylor is moving back here from California. On the one side graduating is great, no more classes with homework or assignments, but on the other hand you have to deal with the responsiblity of real life... Real life means bills and working in an office 40-50 hours a week getting up every morning at 6 am so you can have enough time to wake up before you drive through tons of traffic. Real life contains the constant stigma of "why aren't you married yet." In general Real life is just a huge change from College life.

Micah leaves in August, which is a huge let down. I am extremely proud of him on the other hand because he is going into the ministry. I know it is hard for him to go to school for another 4 years but I also know in the end he will enjoy it.

Now Taylor is moving back which is an awesome thing but he is also getting married which means things will not be the same. I don't know how they will change but they will. So you can seem my dilemna. It is not bad news any of these things but it isn't neccessarily good news either. A man at a turning point in his life never knows what to think, so he writes is confusion on the internet where few read it.

Lewis

" 'If England was what England seems
Ow quick we'd drop'er. But she ain't'
Love never spoke that way. It is like loving your children
only 'if they're good,' your wife only while she keeps her
looks, your husband only so long as he is famous and
successful. 'No Man,' said one of the Greeks, 'loves his city
because it is great, but because it is his." ~CS Lewis ("The Four Loves" pg. 28)

CS lewis was talking about patrotism and ones love of his country, but you can make a parallel with how we view our church, family, teams, and classrooms. Too many people forsake their church because it is not known enough, doesn't have enough members, the preacher isn't edgy enough. Do we think about that we should love her (the church) for her faults and good qualities? Even fans of a certain team love their team even when they lose. I am not saying that you shouldn't question or challenge and problem you see in your church. But what I am saying is that complaining never solves anything only a willingness to roll up your sleves and do something about it. I wonder how our worship and fellowship would change when we love our church because it is our church?

Break Down

This morning I had a break down. I just finally let out all of my frustrations, pains and angers with God, life and people (in general). 30mins of tears, yelling, and throwing things. I must say I feel great. For the men out there that think men should not cry, I think you really need to do some soul searching because when you are at the point of tears you really get out what trully is bothering you. There are no more barriers of what people will think or how does this look to me. When you are at the point of tears you finally want to deal with what is going on in your mind. Tears are drops that finally release you from whatever bondage you have created for yourself. I find the more we want to be proper and do what the world does with issues (brush them under the carpet) we become more unhappy and angry people (or atleast I do). To question God does not mean you do not believe. Actually, in alot of cases it means you have a firm enough relationship with Him that you can get to the meat of the problem you have. I am not advocating to just argue with God but I am saying we need a much more sincere relationship with our Creator. My day started out with wrestling a whole lot of issues I am dealing with. How did yours start?

A long time coming ...

It has been a long time coming that I will update this blog. I tend to not even worry about it because I figure no one is reading it, but to my surprise my friend Brett constantly wants me to update it. So here I am taking a moment and trying to collect my thoughts.

It has been a long time coming that I should graduate. Now, everyone keeps asking me, "Are you excited?" or "what are you going to do when you graduate?" And I always seem to give a similar answer of, "I don't know." Granted I have a job waiting for me when I graduate, but it doesn't excite me. On the contrary, I am sad. Now don't get me wrong I am happy that I won't have homework or frustrating nights in studio. The thing is I am ending a time in my life where I was most free. College is a great time to discover somethings about yourself because you have no real responsiblities. A college student gets to sleep late have simple jobs and a choice to go to class or not. When we graduate we have bills to pay, a job we must always get up for and a demand on our life that we produce. I know I can't stay a college student forever that we all must keep growing and understand the benefits of that. I just want to vent my feeling of loss as I leave college because it has been good to me.

It has been a long time coming that a girl should make me turn and wonder what my life would be like with her. Enough said about that because I know all guys have felt this one time or another.

It has been a long time coming that I stop fearing my own failure and start taking up a sword dropped infront of me. All my life I have feared my own ablities and doubted what I can do. I constantly wrestle with God about what am I doing physical for His kingdom because right now all I feel is that I am just sitting at home reading. How much love have I shown His children? How much action have I really taken? I do not type this to sound down on myself but just realizing I can do something. I will not neccesarily fail if I try and I will not fail if I openly give.

It has been a long time coming that I share my thoughts on here because we all need to vent to no one. All of us feel confused, messed up, and completely out of control at moments and I must say it is good for us. Makes us realize what we really care about. Embrace and be honest about the question you have in life because they will come out in something eventually.
(PS "look Brett I updated my BLOG")