Just thoughts

What is this I we talk of?

2006-04-21T23:17:00.000-07:00

I have come to a conclusion about something. In our lives we desire things and center our lives around ourselves. Everything is about me utlimately. The only problem is when I think this way is when I am the most unhappy. When I have periods in my life that I think of others well being before my own I am happy, joy fills my life, things make sense. So in friendship and love what if I look at that person and see what they need from me opposed to how they can fullfill my needs? What would happen? Would I be living within the flow of how things should be? Since I believe in God which means I believe in the Bible and the Bible tells us not to worry for God will take care of us. Then why should I be concerned that my own desires be fulfill since God is going to take care what I need to function to the best of my ablity? Life is not about me and the journey that I am taking is trying to understand that life is not about me. In some way maybe that is what life is about a journey to understand that you are not what makes the world exist.

Just one of those mornings

2006-04-20T08:52:00.000-07:00

You ever have one of those mornings where you feel your life is about to have a huge change. Now, this can be one of two emotions attached to it a good change like Christmas morning or bad one like a friend moving away. This perticular morning I don't know how to feel. I graduate in 2 weeks for a 5 year archiecture degree, My best friend Micah is moving to Alabama in the fall, and my other best friend Taylor is moving back here from California. On the one side graduating is great, no more classes with homework or assignments, but on the other hand you have to deal with the responsiblity of real life... Real life means bills and working in an office 40-50 hours a week getting up every morning at 6 am so you can have enough time to wake up before you drive through tons of traffic. Real life contains the constant stigma of "why aren't you married yet." In general Real life is just a huge change from College life.

Micah leaves in August, which is a huge let down. I am extremely proud of him on the other hand because he is going into the ministry. I know it is hard for him to go to school for another 4 years but I also know in the end he will enjoy it.

Now Taylor is moving back which is an awesome thing but he is also getting married which means things will not be the same. I don't know how they will change but they will. So you can seem my dilemna. It is not bad news any of these things but it isn't neccessarily good news either. A man at a turning point in his life never knows what to think, so he writes is confusion on the internet where few read it.

Lewis

2006-04-12T10:24:00.000-07:00

" 'If England was what England seems
Ow quick we'd drop'er. But she ain't'
Love never spoke that way. It is like loving your children
only 'if they're good,' your wife only while she keeps her
looks, your husband only so long as he is famous and
successful. 'No Man,' said one of the Greeks, 'loves his city
because it is great, but because it is his." ~CS Lewis ("The Four Loves" pg. 28)

CS lewis was talking about patrotism and ones love of his country, but you can make a parallel with how we view our church, family, teams, and classrooms. Too many people forsake their church because it is not known enough, doesn't have enough members, the preacher isn't edgy enough. Do we think about that we should love her (the church) for her faults and good qualities? Even fans of a certain team love their team even when they lose. I am not saying that you shouldn't question or challenge and problem you see in your church. But what I am saying is that complaining never solves anything only a willingness to roll up your sleves and do something about it. I wonder how our worship and fellowship would change when we love our church because it is our church?

Break Down

2006-04-11T12:28:00.000-07:00

This morning I had a break down. I just finally let out all of my frustrations, pains and angers with God, life and people (in general). 30mins of tears, yelling, and throwing things. I must say I feel great. For the men out there that think men should not cry, I think you really need to do some soul searching because when you are at the point of tears you really get out what trully is bothering you. There are no more barriers of what people will think or how does this look to me. When you are at the point of tears you finally want to deal with what is going on in your mind. Tears are drops that finally release you from whatever bondage you have created for yourself. I find the more we want to be proper and do what the world does with issues (brush them under the carpet) we become more unhappy and angry people (or atleast I do). To question God does not mean you do not believe. Actually, in alot of cases it means you have a firm enough relationship with Him that you can get to the meat of the problem you have. I am not advocating to just argue with God but I am saying we need a much more sincere relationship with our Creator. My day started out with wrestling a whole lot of issues I am dealing with. How did yours start?

A long time coming ...

2006-04-10T17:55:00.000-07:00

It has been a long time coming that I will update this blog. I tend to not even worry about it because I figure no one is reading it, but to my surprise my friend Brett constantly wants me to update it. So here I am taking a moment and trying to collect my thoughts.

It has been a long time coming that I should graduate. Now, everyone keeps asking me, "Are you excited?" or "what are you going to do when you graduate?" And I always seem to give a similar answer of, "I don't know." Granted I have a job waiting for me when I graduate, but it doesn't excite me. On the contrary, I am sad. Now don't get me wrong I am happy that I won't have homework or frustrating nights in studio. The thing is I am ending a time in my life where I was most free. College is a great time to discover somethings about yourself because you have no real responsiblities. A college student gets to sleep late have simple jobs and a choice to go to class or not. When we graduate we have bills to pay, a job we must always get up for and a demand on our life that we produce. I know I can't stay a college student forever that we all must keep growing and understand the benefits of that. I just want to vent my feeling of loss as I leave college because it has been good to me.

It has been a long time coming that a girl should make me turn and wonder what my life would be like with her. Enough said about that because I know all guys have felt this one time or another.

It has been a long time coming that I stop fearing my own failure and start taking up a sword dropped infront of me. All my life I have feared my own ablities and doubted what I can do. I constantly wrestle with God about what am I doing physical for His kingdom because right now all I feel is that I am just sitting at home reading. How much love have I shown His children? How much action have I really taken? I do not type this to sound down on myself but just realizing I can do something. I will not neccesarily fail if I try and I will not fail if I openly give.

It has been a long time coming that I share my thoughts on here because we all need to vent to no one. All of us feel confused, messed up, and completely out of control at moments and I must say it is good for us. Makes us realize what we really care about. Embrace and be honest about the question you have in life because they will come out in something eventually.
(PS "look Brett I updated my BLOG")

Catch me

2005-11-10T16:46:00.000-08:00

First of all I want to appologize to all my addoring fans. Taylor I am sorry I haven't been writing. I decided to take a month off because I was lazy. There I am glad I got that over with. On one serious note I do hope someone besides me is helped by reading this.

I was watching a movie called "Weather man" this past weekend, and ended up walking out. Before I did I saw a scene that made me think. The scene was between the main character (Nicholis Cage) and his estranged wife. They had decided to go to marriage counciling in an attempt to save their marrage. Well one of the exercises the therapist had everyone in the class do was to have your wife stand infront of you, facing the wall. Then let go and fall backwards. This image stayed with me. The exercise was all about building trust with a simple act of trust. I have always seen this act as really simple. I mean who wouldn't catch the person? Even though you can't see the person you know they are right behind you. Let me give humanity a little create and say if two people decide to get married they can't all be bad. The person's going to catch you anyways because there is a room full of people watching you. Ok so we have established this is a no brainer act. So why doesn't this apply to the way I look at God? Why can't I left go and trust he will catch me? He tells us clearly in the Bible He will catch us (Matt. ch.7). Why is this so hard and confusing? As a christian I must and do believe that He exists and that the Bible is truth. So how is that different than knowing the person is standing right behind me?
One of my favorite movies is "Garden State." A story of a man literally missing life because he is numb to the experience of life. But what I love the most is the ending he leaves his love to try and figure out a plan to organize his life. But the last scene is the girl crying in an airport phonebooth and all the sudden the main character busts in pulls her out and says screw the plan I am not sure of anything but all I am sure of is you. Playing in the background is a great song by Frou Frou called "let go" and the movie ends. The only thing I am sure of is God nothing else in my life is a sure thing. I could loose my leg, eye or hair tomorrow. I could get kicked out of school. My parents could get a divorce or a friend could let me down. Nothing in this life is a sure thing except God and Jesus Christ. Our life pursuit should be the act of letting GO and falling back knowing He will catch us. There is "beauty in the Break Down" because it shows us how much we need Christ.
Now I am not saying just blindly say he will keep me safe if I walk infront of traffic or i don't have to study for a test because I have faith in God. Honestly I would have to say you were being stupid... yes stupid because God doesn't say he will just wave a magic wand and make our lives better for ourselves. No, every act is for His glorification. What I am saying we need to stop trying to control our lives because all we do is mess it up. There is a reason we need to have constant and regular contact with our Father, so we lead the best possible life. Now I could go into way this is so important but that is a whole separate point that people have written books on.
People walk through life racing, stressing, worrying what will happen next and led lives that are so much less fullfilling than letting Go to a God that is faithful. I have a dream every so often that I am standing on the edge of a very high diving board with my back to the water and my face toward the latter going back down. The question is do I walk back down the latter and control my outcome or do I let my body fall backwards? I guess we all have to ask ourselves that question dayly. Do I need to constantly feel fear and worry because my life isn't going where I want it to or do I want to let go and find my God?

Dawson's Creek message

2005-09-28T09:01:00.000-07:00

This morning I was watching Dawson's Creek, which is not standard for me but I saw something interesting. I am watching an episode about Pacy's 18th birthday. Now all those of you who are not familar with the show Pacy is one of the main charactors. Now in this episode it is his birthday and his girlfriend decides to throw him a family birthday party. The part that made me stop and think is that he is surrounded by his friends and family who begin to tell stories about him ( all suggested by Pacy's mother to get closer to him). Every story that his family instinctively tells from memory is about how Pacy messes up, destories something, or fails at something. This to me made me think of my older brother. All through out his life I would focus on how he screwed up or messed up and in the end we are not close. Why is that? I think the reason is humanity naturally focus on the negative in everything. Someone cut YOU off, I will be late for so and so, and it goes on and on. Not one day that has gone by has helped me in this negative thought. Never has it helped with my relationship with friends, family or roomates.

The message of Jesus is not about focusing on the negative. Here is an example I meet weekly with a bunch of guys to just spend time talking about God. This last tuesday only two others showed up and my first response was where are the other 3? What was so important that they couldn't come and spend time with God? You know what my friend next to me said "what about the two that are here?" This floored me. I just sat there thinking how much of a jerk am I? This is not helping me love anyone. All negative thoughts do is fuel my hate, anger and rage which are not of the spirit.

"But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single command: 'Love your neighbor as yourself." (Gal. 5:13-14)

"For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the spirit, and the spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law.
The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealously, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunknness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kindom of God." (Gal. 5: 17-21)
Here Paul is talking to the Galatians because they have turned from Paul's message to them and is getting confused by other teachers about curcumcsion. What captured me this morning was he talked about the spirit and the sinful nature. Anyone out there ever felt like they have to different people inside them . . . here is why. This morning I realize that I have let too much of my sinful nature dictate my like because my fruit is fits of rage, impurity, envy and hatred. Now I am not focused on this but when I see what is coming out of me even in the slightest degree it bothers me because I am not living the best possible life. Negatvity just fuels the sinful nature. Now that I have spend my time giving the negative side of this message lets flip.

Look at the fruit of the Spirit:

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self - control." (Gal. 5:22)

How beautiful these words are with this hope. I am not telling anyone even myself to focus on these because you don't seek God through a focus on any of these. Each one of these traits are consequences of spending time with God and letting him work on your heart. I look at these to see do I have these am I showing these to my fellow man because if I am not, then I am letting the sinful nature dictate my actions and not the spirit.
The sum of this blog is really tell let you think. Don't listen to me I am just a man but atleast question yourself where you are going and what your focus is, because the world generally focus's on the negative. Where do you stand?

The Loser in Me

2005-09-27T22:25:00.000-07:00

You ever played game with anyone, especially one that had alot of straedgy? On average, once a week I play chess with some buddies of mine at a starbucks in the area ( yes, yes I know we are geeks but atleast it doesn't cost anything). Chess of course is a mind game that can test you in more ways you can count. Anyways have you ever played a game where your saying to yourself I want to win but your the back of your mind says no your going to lose. That is something I have just become aware of. When I play a game I want to win but my mind tells me I can't I am not as good as the opinion I am facing, so I will give a good fight but he will win. After playing like 4 consistant games o chess and losing all of them first you might say you are just no good but then you realize there might be something else here. Tonight I was introducted to how much of a loser I have let inside of me. Now I am not trying to dog myself or complain just be honest. If I constantly tell myself I am going to lose then will which by definition is a loser. How did I come to this? What do I do with it?

Well first of all I have to look at the big picture because with everything there is a bigger meaning to it all. If I am telling myself I will lose at simple everyday games then what am i telling myself about how I deal with life? In a certain light life is a game in itself. So, I am going through life with a loser mindset, battling satan with the mindset that he has already won so I will give a fight but he will win. HOW MESSED UP IS THAT!!! I don't want that in my life. I don't believe Jesus came and gave a message that everyone is better than you. I believe the bible tells that He is saying we are all equal. Yes he tells us to serve our brothers and lift them up but where does it say everyone else is better than you? This is where the destruction comes in leading a life that it is all over death will come and it wins. Well this is one MAN THAT WILL SAY NO! NO I will not go quietly into that good night!

Now we come to what do i do with this knowledge about myself. Well frankly there is no formula. All I know is I need to work on changing my mindset from loser to winner. Not that I am better and will win all the time but that I have just as much of a chance as anyone else. I will not look at death and say it has a hold over me because there is more to life after death. So, how do we change our mindsets? With a very simple idea and a very difficult application. You deal with it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, and second by second. Life is about dealing with the moments as they happen, because once there over that moment is gone forever and will never return.

A glorious failure

2005-09-25T23:05:00.000-07:00

I am an architecture student who has usually alot of work to do. Architecture school is about designing, building models and exploring ideas. Well, to explore you have to build models and sketch ideas. For me I find it hard to just jump into ideas. My logical mind wants to get it right the first time I do something. I will sit for hours stareing at a blank piece of paper because I don't want to fail. Does this at all sound familar to any of your lives? I am afraid to try or I want to get it right the first time. I was reading more of "Rich Mullins an arrow pointing to heavan" and he had this to say that made me stop:

Once you come to understand that life is unbelievably brief and that we really can't do anything
that's gonna change anything, that we don't really amount to a hill of beans - then all of a sudden
you go, "so it doesn't really matter if I'm not great. And if I don't have to be great that means I can
fail. And if I can fail, that means I can try. And if I can try, that means I'm gonna have a good
time."

We have to realize we are already glorious failures in the grand sceme of things. So all this crap we try to do to redeme ourselves to God DOESN"T matter, Jesus already died. That's it, we are free! Now we know we can fail but that makes the trying even sweeter. There is so much freedom in trying now. This sounds like such a simple idea but a sorry sinner like me has the hardest time, not trying to pay God back. I have just not moved for fear of missing a step or falling, but I will trip and I will fall. That is ok. In the end I will be better for it because I will run to the father. I leave with one more great quote that relates to this idea of freedom and stuggle:

Questions bring freedom. Freedom that I don't have to be God and I don't have to pretend that I
have it all figured out. I can let God be God.
~Rob Bell (From his book "velvet Elvis" Look it up)

A generous giver

2005-09-20T23:16:00.000-07:00

I went to a homeless shelter sunday evening called Calvery Refugee. It is a place for those without homes to get a second chance. they come to the facility in the evenings getting dinner and a place to sleep. In the morning breakfast and a sack lunch because they are not aloud to stay at the facility during the day. This promotes them to finding a job and thus getting themselves back on their feet. Well our church tries to take some days and go down to this wonderful place and feed some dinners to these people. This sunday I ended up spending my time talking to a father of 3 with one on the way named Maric. This man awed me with his love for his family and how much he thanked God for his kids. For about 10-20 mins I let him talk about his faith, his love for his kids and his troubles. In those few moments it gave me volumes of joy. Why? because God showed up and showed his love for his children. For those moments it didn't matter what I looked like or he looked like we were just to brother's in chirst listening to each other and feeling each other's pain. I ended the night asking for him to write down his name and the name of his family so that I could remember to pray for them. He wrote it down on a table napkin and gave it to me. I ended the night with thanking God for this moment.
Two days later I get discouraged in my fight and just feel like giving into the world, getting over stressed and just fearful. I find that table napkin in my pants as I clean them out. I almost instantly hit the floor with tears in my eyes. I am stressed and concerned about school and my life while this man struggles to find a home, to find a way they can get to school, work or calvery with no car, and struggle with his own inablity to provide for his family. How selfish am I? This man gave me his time and his love. I forget it two days later. I went to calvery to give to the unfornuate and came away with a man who had very little giving me the greatest gift.
I don't write this to make anyone feel like they should give because each man sees how they should give. I write this to share with you the shear joy of giving not just with money but time or even your heart.

Random stuff that makes you stop

2005-09-15T17:22:00.000-07:00

I was sitting in the living room of my apartment, it is also the dining room, eatting lunch and I happen to look at the calendar on the wall. I like to have a calendar cause then atleast I know what the date is plus I enjoy crossing off a day that has just ended. Anyways I am sitting there looking at the calendar and I see yesterday crossed off and I think,"you know yesterday is never going to come again." That one day has existed for what it is and it will never come again. For that moment it Carpe deim seemed to make sense to me. In this moment at this time I will exist like this and never again, Seize that!
There are those out in the world that would cheer for me saying seize the day because they feel that means do everything that is fun. I disagree with this view. The phrase is about pointing out, " do everything that best you can because this time will never come again." Excellence can have such a negative view if one uses it to do negative things. An example is I am trying to be an excellent killer, which has negative results and will end negatively. My view is excellence only works when you are using it for positive end results. Everything Christ did was ultimately for a positive result, not always his positive result but it helped someone. That calendar on the wall now is a reminder that these are the days I live what will I do with them?

The stresses and failures we want

2005-09-14T21:54:00.000-07:00

"May all of your expectations be frustrated,
May all of your desires be withered into nothingness,
That you may experience the powerlessness and poverty of a child
And can sing and dance in the love of God,
Who is Father, Son, and Holy Spirit."
~Brennan Manning

I write this quote above because it is in a book I am reading right now called "Rich Mullins: An Arrow Pointing To Heaven" by James Smith. The book is wonderful in showing the heart of God but back to my point at hand I read this today and thought this is so true becaue my life is not about what I want but what God wants. There is such Freedom in this through the fact that I don't have to worry about where I will go because I follow God. God never stops talking to us we just stop listening. Just as Jacob discovered in Genesis 21:10 ( I might be wrong) " Jacob awake and said, ' God was here and I was not aware of it" God never just shows up He is always there we just don't see Him. Suffering and struggle are one of the hardest things to grasp in the christian walk. To hear someone say you are learning something by going through this pain is a cliche. I like how Rich Mullins puts it,

"Sometimes it's hard to believe that life is good. It's not always pleasant, but life is a great gift, and your job as a human being, is to go out there and live it the best you can. Christianity doesn't answer all my questions or make me comfortable and happy. What it does do is five me a context for living."

I was riding to school after reading all this and I ended up listening to a song by the late great Five Iron Frenzy. If you have never heard of them find a book store or look on line and get one of there cd's, but one of there great songs is "On Distant Shores" in the song there is a great line, " Running at full tilt, my sword pulled from it's hilt. It funny how these things can slip away, our frail deeds, the last will wave good-bye." We strive for some much want so much and so much can be taken away and we ask why. This is why so many lost can't understand God. Christians feel the pain of lose but they ultimately feel Gods love through this difficulty but the lost never feel His love through pain because they don't have a relationship with Him. It doesn't matter if He loves them or shouts as hard as he can it falls on def ears. Remember the day is "toad mayod" AKA it is good. For everyday gives you a new challenge and fight.

Sincerely my heart

I am extremely behind in my blogs

2005-09-13T21:59:00.000-07:00

I have neglected my blog and it is too bad. I am averaging a blog a month, which maybe helps people want to read them more if anyone is reading them. I will try to write something everyother day and see if anyone gives me a comment to see if they are reading these. Until tomorrow and Taylor you blog is quite cool.

The Scary Side

2005-08-06T00:34:00.000-07:00

"Anger is perhaps the greatest inspiration in those days when the individual is separated in so many personalities. Suddenly one is all in one piece."
(Eileen Gray 1942)

I came across this quote in one of the many architecture books I am forced to read. The last sentence really hit me about anger and rage that "suddenly one is all in one piece." Anger gives us the false sense of clarity and focus where all of our other senses and reasoning capablities just disappear. This rage can come over us and we act without really thinking creating a show of false power. Then, with everything that ultimately is unhealthy for us, remorse and sorrow set in. This creates more anger, which the cycle starts all over again with even more intensity.
The other day I came home from working out vigorously (mostly running) and my roomate decided to wait in a hidden place and scare me. He gets a great thrill out of this and we usually both have a good laugh about it. I walk in the apartment very tired turn the corner and all the sudden he jumps from behind a door with a loud "AHHH." Usually in this situation I would jump and laugh. Unfortunately this time something snapped instead of just fear and laugher RAGE swelled up and exploded. After he lands on the floor I take my keys in my hand and chuck them at him as hard as I can, which hit him in the stomach. Now why did I do this? Many of you may say he deserved it or others that I was over reacting. I say it doesn't matter the fact is I let rage control my actions and violence was the result. In those brief seconds I was clear and I was powerful, but it is all false. Why? because what is easier anger or love? What is more fulfilling anger or love? What creates a positive outcome anger or love? Jesus was on a cross infront of weak humans and in a second he could call for 12 legens of angels on his attackers. Pastor Rob Bell would say Jesus is giving an image of weakness while he is actually quite stronge. Anger in the way society practices it is the easy way out but not nessarily the right way.
I will leave the disclaimer Anger may not always be the best policy but that doesn't mean anger is always bad. Go to Mars hill community church's web site or look up Rob Bell. At this website download the sermon "beautifully Angry" and this will answer why. Rob Bell can explain it so much better than I. Peace and love to all.

The Story

2005-07-28T16:32:00.000-07:00

"Once upon a time there was a good and kind king who had a great kingdom with many cities. In one distant city, some people took advantage of the freedom the king gave them and started doing evil. They profited by their evil and began to fear that the king would interfere and throw them in jail. Eventually these rebels seethed with hatred for the king. They convinced the city that everyone would be better off without the king, and the city declared its independence from the kingdom."

"But soon, with everyone doing whatever they wanted, disorder reigned in the city. There was violence, hatred, lying, oppression, murder, rape, slavery, and fear. The king thought: What should I do? If I take my army and conquer the city by force, the people will fight against me, and I'll have to kill so many of them, and the rest will only submit through fear or intimidation, which will make them hate me and all I stand for even more. How does that help them - to be either dead or imprisoned or secretly seething with rage? But if I leave them alone, they'll destory each other, and it breaks my heart to think of thepain they're causing and experiencing."

"So the kind did something very surprising. He took off his robes and dressed in the rags of a homeless wanderer. Incognito he entered the city and began living in a vacant lot near a garbage dump. He took up a trade - fixing broken pottery and furniture. Whenever people came to him, his kindness and goodness and fairness and respect were so striking that they would linger just to be in his presence. They would t4ell him their fears and questions, and ask his advice. He told them that the rebels had fooled them, and that the true king had a better way to live, which he exemplified and taught. One by one, then two by two, and then by the hundreds, people began to have confidence in him and live in his way."

"Their influence spread to others, and the movement grew and grew until the whole city regretted its rebellion and wanted to return to the kingdom again. But, ashamed of their horrible mistake, they were afraid to approach the king, believing he would certainly destory them for their rebellion. But the king-in-disguise told them the good news: he was himself the king, and he loved them. He held nothing against them, and he welcomed them back into his kingdom, having accomplished by a gentle, subtle presence what never could have been accomplished through brute force."
(story from "a Generous Orthodox"
by Brian D. McLaren pg.57-58)
Look the book up sometime.

Guilt with a capital G

2005-07-25T19:39:00.000-07:00

The other day I was driving to my parents house to have a weekly lunch with them. Isn't it funny how you can be driving and your mind wonders onto the most trival things that end up creating a very profound thought in yourself. So as I drive by another obsessive billboard trying to sell me a hamburger an old conversation I had with someone long ago manifests itself. "You know Ryan I think it is interesting how you have gone so churchy and I have gone the total opposite more troublesome route." was what she said to me after I hadn't seen her in over 5 years. This came out of the mouth of a girl that was a childhood friend who moved away and I barely talked to in years. Well she came into town one weekend and we descided to get together. Needless to say she had really changed and as you can see how she thought about me and herself. This sentense just sat in my mind for a good couple of minutes til I realized what God was saying to me. Humanity knows they are doing the wrong thing talk about it constantly but still are unwilling to change. Why? One word comes to mind GUILT. How many of us have done something wrong, have sinned? EVERYBODY! and what comes with sinning, guilt. I wonder if have the time what causes us to sin again and again and again is not that God doesn't forgive us (because he does) but that we lack in forgiving ourselves. Which ultimately leads to this view of God as a judge and jury that has a handbook of rules and if you break them you are thrown away like a rage doll. This seems to be the view of most of the world and even christians. How do we come back to the point of seeing that Jesus' came to set us free not to condem us. He tells us this in the Bible. Guilt plagues me dayly and dayly I have to realize that Jesus died for my sins and the sins of the world to set us free. Know I must forgive myself and love who God has made me to be. I have lost my train of thought so if this is lost any real sense forgive me. Hopefully more later.

Slow Eatters

2005-06-12T20:43:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been on a date with a woman and realized before she is half way done you have finished your entire meal? You almost consume it like it was going to run away from you leaving you hungry and lonely. I have found when I sit down to a meal I eat much faster than most, especially faster than females. Growing up I have one brother a father and a mother, three males fighting over the last pork chop, so in a way you can see where the habit came from. This has been my excuse for many years until I started looking around. So many people in this world are on the go. There time is sooo precious they must be constantly moving, talking and doing. Hense the great efficiency of the fast eatter. My only problem is this seems to hurt you in many ways. Just as my father always taught me "cheaper isn't always better", efficiency isn't always the right way but it seems to be the easy way. Now I come to the slow eatters did you know that they say if you eat a meal at a slower speed you get full faster because you are giving yourself time to have the food get to your stomach. Slower eatting also gives you time to just enjoy the taste of your food instead of cramming every mouthful of what ever is infront of you. Wax candles....not a good taste. Conversation with a person is much more agreeable when you have slowed how much you are consuming in one bite, your manners also reflect a better light.
All this talk about food and eatting really leads to one envitable point that our lives always seem to be on super speed mode. We constantly ask ourselves where, what or how do I do the next thing. Life becomes a series of tasks that must be fulfilled or we feel like failures. But I ask the question why? I think we need to take something from the slow-eatters. A person that slows down and gathers patience sees the world around him instead of zooming by in a car. God calls us to be quick to patience and quick to listen but slow to anger. If we are always moving how can we notice when God is trying to talk to us. It is like the difference between how a pedestrian experiences a city opposed to a person in a car. In a car you zoom along only gathering what you see from flashes of images as they go by, while a pedestrian walks and gathers everything in his environment. They see the smallest crack in the sidewalk. That is what we should always be able to notice the crack in the sidewalk because from that small a thing God could be talking, but how can we respond when we are driving 50 miles an hour down some interstate to the next task we have assigned for ourselves.

Quote

2005-06-02T19:07:00.000-07:00

"People work at jobs they hate to buy things they don't need."
~Fight Club~

the thing people don't say

2005-05-28T19:39:00.000-07:00

You know I wish the world didn't work in an unspoken language. We live out our lives saying nothing to the people closest to us and the people we barely know. All my life I have never really gotten a straight answer on things. People always have to cover up their thoughts with polite lies because society, or fear tells them to. How many marriages have ended because the two people that were suppose to be the closests to one another never really knew each other. We don't talk because we expect others to figure us out like a puzzle with no answer key. Words have become filler in an otherwise tense air. I know I am guilty of this at times just as the rest of the world but that doesn't mean we can't heed the example of one who was on this planet. Jesus never wasted or withheld a word. He used it to communicate like we should to uplife, to laugh and to teach. Relationships are made with risks and what is a bigger risk than telling someone that is trully on your mind. No tricks, no white lies, no filler just what is in your head. Flesh it out because it could consume you and then you are just another in the sea of the world. Lost with no view of the ground